Thursday, October 29, 2015

Cool Things Please Happen Today

I need a cool thing to happen today. All the things that are happening today are not cool. Or, maybe I have a bad attitude. Or, maybe I am stuck in a rut. Today is the kind of day I want to fast forward through. Not because it is hard but because it is boring. I guess being boring makes it hard. Because I am tired and I think I am getting my period and I would much rather be home eating Indian food and drinking wine and imagining myself as an adult being successful and busy but also incredibly fulfilled. But then I think. I am an adult. I saw a friend on social media talking about a play she directed at Harvard. I got really jealous. I want to direct a play at Harvard. I want to post an article about my directing job at Harvard and say something like "I'll take what he says about art for art's sake as a complement...ha ha ha." I didn't read the whole article but I guess she was too edgy for Harvard? I don't know. Anyway, it got a lot of comments. The last thing I posted on Facebook asked people to send me their bacon. Sometimes I think I tried to do too many things so I never was successful at one thing. Is that what people tell themselves when they aren't good at one thing? I like to send out stuff to people. I fantasize that on a boring day like this I will get an email that says my play is being produced and I am being paid thousands for it. Then I can post something coy on Facebook. I'll pretend not to care but I'll check the comments incessantly. People at school will be nicer to me and I'll be really humble. Then that show will parlay into another show and that will parlay into writing for TV. Then the TV company will ask me to move to Hollywood but I'll say no because I want to finish my PhD. And they will be shocked that someone so funny and talented is also so smart and would be willing to give up a TV career for academic pursuits. But I'll shrug it off as I usually do because I am so humble, you know. This is the thought that gets me through the day. This what I hope will happen to me today.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Do More

I have a list of things I need to do on Google calendar. Google calendar is how I organize my life. Sometimes I write myself a note on my hand but that is a really a short term thing. It will go into the calendar if it’s more than an errand I need to run that day. If it is a long term project then maybe I’ll write a post it note and stick it on my wall. I like to be able to visually see all the things I need to do. It is a reminder to keep moving forward. I have a lot I want to accomplish. And I think I will if I do all the things little by little. Sometimes I don’t feel like I do enough. I wonder how other people seem to get things done so effortlessly. Do they just concentrate on one thing? Am I trying to do too many things? It would be nice to be really good at something. I like when people compliment me. I don’t think I even have that many interests. I just want people to see me. Talk to me. Thank me. Sometimes I think about how if I stopped doing things nobody would care. Would they? I don’t think so. Maybe because I do the things no one wants to do. So maybe if I didn’t do those things they would have to do them and they would be sad or mad. And they probably wouldn’t do them again. And then I would do them. Because without them I feel pretty lonely. Sometimes I wonder if all my tasks is the reason I am still alone? I went on vacation once and the first few days I tried to do things, see things, be active. After day five I stopped doing things and I just watched TV. It was nice outside so I had to close the blinds. I watched TV for hours and hours and ate fast food. It was nice. I liked it. Sometimes if I am doing too many things I will drink too much one night and then call in sick the next morning. I feel bad. But I can’t work hungover and being hungover is kind of like being sick. Every few months I break and I have to reset myself. I feel a lot of guilt and shame that I can’t get it all done without breaking once in a while. But the guilt and shame motivate me so I guess they are there for a reason. When I have to delete Google tasks it makes me feel bad. So I usually move them around. I can always try to do them later. Maybe later. Yes, later. Right now I have too much to do. But, if I really tried, I think I could always do more.