Do More

I have a list of things I need to do on Google calendar. Google calendar is how I organize my life. Sometimes I write myself a note on my hand but that is a really a short term thing. It will go into the calendar if it’s more than an errand I need to run that day. If it is a long term project then maybe I’ll write a post it note and stick it on my wall. I like to be able to visually see all the things I need to do. It is a reminder to keep moving forward. I have a lot I want to accomplish. And I think I will if I do all the things little by little. Sometimes I don’t feel like I do enough. I wonder how other people seem to get things done so effortlessly. Do they just concentrate on one thing? Am I trying to do too many things? It would be nice to be really good at something. I like when people compliment me. I don’t think I even have that many interests. I just want people to see me. Talk to me. Thank me. Sometimes I think about how if I stopped doing things nobody would care. Would they? I don’t think so. Maybe because I do the things no one wants to do. So maybe if I didn’t do those things they would have to do them and they would be sad or mad. And they probably wouldn’t do them again. And then I would do them. Because without them I feel pretty lonely. Sometimes I wonder if all my tasks is the reason I am still alone? I went on vacation once and the first few days I tried to do things, see things, be active. After day five I stopped doing things and I just watched TV. It was nice outside so I had to close the blinds. I watched TV for hours and hours and ate fast food. It was nice. I liked it. Sometimes if I am doing too many things I will drink too much one night and then call in sick the next morning. I feel bad. But I can’t work hungover and being hungover is kind of like being sick. Every few months I break and I have to reset myself. I feel a lot of guilt and shame that I can’t get it all done without breaking once in a while. But the guilt and shame motivate me so I guess they are there for a reason. When I have to delete Google tasks it makes me feel bad. So I usually move them around. I can always try to do them later. Maybe later. Yes, later. Right now I have too much to do. But, if I really tried, I think I could always do more.